Remember Your Tribe.

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If you have health issues or simply feel you have hit rock bottom.  This is for you.

FYI there are a few excplicites used 

Something so simple yet profound hit me upon waking this am.

Remember your tribe.

Your people.

You are not alone.  I promise you. Others have felt what you are feeling.

I sat down and saw an infinity symbol flash through my mind. Within the circles I wrote all the people I KNOW without a doubt I can call at any given moment and they will be there.

I am not alone.

But, I can choose to be alone.  Ouch, right?  

I have a tribe. How cool is that?  

See, I battle two things at the current moment.

My health and my ability to do it all by myself.

I need help.  I am not normal.  I am a medical anomaly.  Let’s just say my medical chart comes in a box.

WHY? Why me? TELL ME! Someone PLEASE!  I can’t tell you how many times I have shouted those words!

Thoughts as dark as:

I am going to jump.

I wish I would just die because I don’t want my kids and family to ever think I would commit suicide. I hate putting them through all this.

Yup the girl who looks like she has it all together.  

I have just recently admitted these thoughts.  I use to hold onto them. Keep them safely tucked in a box.  

Then, this AM it hit me.

THIS IS MY PURPOSE.

To no longer keep all those thoughts inside – hidden – like an untreated cancer.

I am human. I am not super woman. Shit, that was a real slap of reality. I really wanted a cape.

  • I deal with pain. Everyday.
  • My entire day revolves around what can I eat that won’t hurt me.
  • I need to be drinking water all day everyday. (that is a challenge in and of itself) right fellow mom’s? Anyone who says they haven’t peed their pants is a liar and not to be trusted.

This is just a few…I am a single parent with two beautiful daughters, pets, a full time job plus other businesses I have opened to keep a roof over my head etc.  THAT IS NOT POOR ME. I am BLESSED.

You know why?

I HAVE A TRIBE.

Me!  That girl who sits here scared shittless that I am facing not seeing my girls marry and have babies.

I have to face it. Fuck.

I am an anomaly.

I have to accept it or choose to stay on the path I have and end up not being there for them.

I am not weak by asking for help. I am not less of a person.

I can’t do this alone.

When I type those words – the emotions that arise are like a tsunami about ready to break onto the shore front.

I hear the words “let go, trust, accept”.

I am blessed because my tribe of support allows me to keep my head above water.  If I didn’t have that where would I end up?

I am looking at the stack of items piled high in my entry.  Donations for the homeless.  What makes me any different than them?  Really?  Maybe our health, economics, childhoods, color of our skin possibly, sexuality or our tribes.  Union Gospel Mission and More Love Project are simple creating a healthy tribe for people that lost theirs.

See, my childhood was no walk in the park. People assume certain things but well, you are wrong.  I never felt grounded, secure, free, safe and sometimes even wanted.  That is not throwing blame – it is just how I felt.  It was TOUGH.

At a young age I took on the role of an adult and a huge amount of responsibility.

The point is, my childhood was heavy. Not that fun, carefree, playful kind and there wasn’t much creating lifelong bonds with friends. My dad was a workaholic plus remarried and my mom remarried.  I was stuck somewhere in the midst of that.

It was survival. Emotional survival.  I fear saying that because I DON’T want my parents feeling guilt because guess what? I AM NOT PERFECT. I have made my own mistakes as a mom. I GET IT.

We are human.  All we can do it commit to growth and try our best.

BUT here is the glue to IT ALL.

WE CHOOSE.

We can fall victim, go the independent route and take on the world solo (I don’t suggest this one) or we can choose to create and lean on a HEALTHY tribe. Key to this is healthy. A tribe that has your back when you aren’t in a good place. A tribe that will tough love you if needed, that have similar goals, values and passions, dedicated to growth and love and most of all ones that you can trust.  Trust is a big word and we will save that for another blog post.  Blog post: Intuition is your biggest asset –  is in the works 

Last but not least, this AM in meditation I brought myself back to that teenage girl.  I remembered how I felt, how I didn’t know my tribe, hell I didn’t know me, life was always changing, my body was changing, hormones and my head/heart felt like it was in fight or flight every moment of everyday.  Going back to that has helped refresh me on how hard it has been for my babies.  They have endured divorces, feeling shuffled or misplaced, then add being a teenager and years of seeing your mama dodge health issues.  Poor babies. So much to process and at that age without a SOLID tribe that can feel hopeless.  

See how easy it could be for a person to end up on the streets?  Without proper love, guidance and support they are destined to fail.

But it comes down to choice.

We have to choose the path.

Today, I choose the path of not doing it all alone.  I choose facing and accepting I have health challenges and cannot live life as I once did.  I accept that all this has happened to open my eyes, mind and heart to this purpose.  I choose to giving my children and others the love and support they need if they choose to accept it.  I choose to be present.  I choose to drink the water I need to be drinking and eat the foods I need to eat in order to not be fit or skinny but to maintain a healthy body inside. I choose to take time EVERY DAMN DAY for meditation and I choose to let go of “Why the fuck is this happening?”  

I now know why.

So let’s launch this blog website and get to work.

**Little tip:  After I wrote this blog post I went back into meditation and gave myself lots of love and TLC. It takes a lot to not only face these things but then share them with the world.  Always remember: you are loved, you are safe and you have a purpose -T xo**