My Only Job Is To Be My Most Autentic True Self

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MY ONLY JOB IS TO BE MY MOST AUTHENTIC TRUE SELF. ONLY I GET TO DEFINE THAT.

Today I stumbled across this picture. It was taken during the filming of my short You Tubes videos. I.was.so.scared.


I am being silly here but truthfully was buying a few minutes to calm my nerves because I was DYING INSIDE. It was beyond painful. I had NO idea what I was in for when I signed up for this. N O N E.


I had the woman I greatly admire as well as a huge crew of incredibly talented people staring at me. They were patient, supportive and made it possible to even get enough content to put together a video. The woman who was my main support knows me better than anyone knows me. Kids, ex-husbands, parents, brothers and friends. She knows the good and the bad. Even the really bad – you know those dark shadows when you lose focus and start weaving off course. I have cast her as a mama figure in my life because of the impact she has had so the last thing I wanted to do was disappoint her. Little discloser: we are closer in age so she couldn’t be my mama. She is a gorgeous, sassy, independent whirl wind of life but her energy feels nurturing, warm, loving, authentic, strong and SAFE.


So, the camera comes on. We count down and ACTION. I go from being that silly Tiff who has everyone cracking up to stumbling over my words frozen Tiff. It was SO annoying. I could see, feel and had desire to express EVERYTHING on my mind but once the pressure was on there was no way. She had to coach me step by step, fill me full of words of affirmation and remind me that perfection is not what they wanted.

I will never for get this moment or experience. She really was proud. Those couple days changed me.
#1 – I met my Inner Perfectionist Shadow face to face. She is a bitch and sabotages anything I want to do outside my comfort zone.
#2 – I learned that when you surround yourself with the right people you can feel safe and supported.
#3 – It is ok to show that funny side. In fact, the camera loves it. People can relate best when you are REAL.
#4 – Happy Healthy Life is my purpose and I am committed to it even when its hard.
#6 – Ask for what you need. (like pic #1-I needed to take a little break because tears kicked in.)
#7 – Lighting is everything when you are 42 ha ha ha!

So lets talk about #1.


Inner Perfectionist Shadow.


I knew I liked things done “right”. Not a fan of half assed but I had not realized that I was IMPLODING ALL that pressure on myself. Daily.


Not one person in that room wanted perfection EXCEPT me.


I have incredible compassion with others and don’t expect perfection from them but I was not practicing what I preached.


The only way to fix Ms. Perfection was to call it like it was. A lie! Then accept it was a major part of my wiring that I will need to face daily until I am reprogammed.
So, almost daily in some way or another I do exactly that.


Perfect example:
I have been battling acute bronchitis for a month now. I had to cancel one of my workout sessions and just rest. I just got back at it after all my medical issues this last 9 months. I was DEAD SET I was not going to miss any and I was going to kick ass.
See the expectation?


#1 – In my head if you miss one session than you are failing.
#2 – You have to push your body even if its hurt. No excuses.
#3 – You are ugly if don’t get muscle back.


Every part of that goes against how I feel about others. If you came into my office for health coaching you WOULD NOT get any part of that. You would get the polar opposite. I would be your cheer leader and proud of your smallest accomplishment.


So how is it that I can wrap my arms around others in a warm embrace of love and encouragement but I can’t for the life of me give it to myself?!


The expectations I place upon myself started as a small child. That is why. I decided that to be loved and to be safe in the world I needed to meet this ridiculously stupid standard.
D O N E with that. GOOD RIDDENS YOU lying dark shadow from hell. I am SO OVER feeling that pressure.


CHANGE STARTS NOW!

When I start to feel anxious, headachy, pressure and that feeling of being way too inside my head. I STOP. Close my eyes and tune in. I check to see if that shadow is lingering in the background – if that inner child is feeling unsafe and unloved so she is resorting back to her old tricks again. Is that pressure real or created?


I should not feel pressure to make every single workout appointment. YES, it’s a goal and IMPORTANT but is it worth risking my life for it? NO. I am not training to be in the Olympics. I workout because it makes me feel good mentally and physically, bone density and it’s time I get for me. No work-no kids-no responsibilities.


This is just one example of the many ways this dark shadow pops up. Everyday, I have to take time to close my eyes, breath deep and dive into meditation. Look at that little girl and let her know she is safe, loved and doesn’t need to “protect” me anymore. Go be free!


Sounds silly to some but it’s a reality for every person. The most freeing moment of my life thus far has been accepting this and LETTING GO. Granting myself permission to not be perfect.
MY ONLY JOB IS TO BE MY MOST AUTHENTIC TRUE SELF. ONLY I GET TO DEFINE THAT.

 

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